Snoring is Involuntary


Actual conversation:

“I’m really tired, so don’t snore tonight.”

“Sure. Funny.” I look her way. She’s not smiling.

“I mean it. I need to sleep. Don’t snore tonight.”

“Ummmm… okay. You do know that snoring is INVOLUNTARY, right?”


“Whether it is or it isn’t, don’t do it.”

Cautiously… tentatively… “You know I’m going to have blog about this, right? It’s too funny to be made up.”

“I don’t care. Just don’t snore. Good night. (Kiss, Kiss, Kiss). Love you.”

If I could sum up everything I know about women in three words, here it is: NOTHING AT ALL. This is not a slam. This is not some misogynist rant. It just what I know.

Therefore, I say:

“Women are moving targets; Men are sitting ducks.”

Moving target: Margi loves [Brand X] coffee. Two weeks later, Margi says that [Brand X] coffee tastes like an ash tray.

Sitting Duck: I, wanting to please and bless my wife, purchase lots of [Brand X] coffee. Two weeks later I must now drink it all myself, even though it’s too weak for my tastes.

fatfreehalfnhalf.jpeg Moving target: Margi uses “fat free” half & half in her coffee. Yes there is such a thing. Which Margi used exclusively for two years. Until the day she decided “it has a funny taste, and I don’t like it the way it tastes.”

Sitting Duck: I decide to be sweet and make my wife a cup of coffee [Brand X] and mix in the right proportion of cream [fat free half & half] and proudly bring it to her. “Did you use [Brand X] because I don’t drink that anymore. A memo would have been nice. Did you use the fat free? Because I don’t drink that any more either. But, honey, thank you… that was so sweet.”

I flash back to second grade. I’ve given my mom the latest masterpiece from art class. “That’s beautiful honey. That was so sweet. Thank you.”

As soon as I turn my back, it’s in the trash.

Guys, we’re sitting ducks.

So when I tell my wife that snoring is involuntary, she gives me a suspicious look, what do I do with that? Her eyes are saying: If you really loved me, you would quit snoring.

Uhh… hmmm… wellll…. Breathe Rights have not helped. Neither have the specially manufactured throat sprays.  Any suggestions?


Grace:  being loved even though you keep her up at night.



5 thoughts on “Snoring is Involuntary

  1. Tell her she snores too. They really have no way to argue that. It might ease the pain. If I get stuck sharing a room with someone who snores, at a conference or soemthing, I tell them first thing; ‘If you snore…I will beat you like you owe me money…and it will not feel good. I will, however, forgive you, and continue to be your friend.” I find they don’t sleep as well…and thus, don’t snore as much. Shoes thrown from short distances, hurt.

    But in all seriousness…no. I have a ton of relatives who have snored their way to the couch numerous nights…and nothing has worked. I hear earplugs work depending on the quality.

  2. Brian,
    You are a crazy person and I’m a little nervous that they’ve let you switch from crayons to pencils. In Christian love.

    Really, though, I love your approach to having to room with others. I’ll try that, and let you know!

  3. Hi,

    Here some tips to eliminate your snoring change your position during sleep is one of the possible answers to snoring, but the only one. Consider these helpful hints for a quite, restful night’s sleep.

    Sleep in a cool, well ventilates room. Research has shown that sleep is less disturbed at cooler temperature.

    Sleep on a firm mattress with a low pillow to keep your neck straight. Reducing obstruction in your airway

Comments are closed.