There’s a new tyranny in America. A tyranny of Advocates of the PO’d. That’s Potentially Offended. Okay, some major stores now forbid employees to wish us Merry Christmas. Two years ago I told my church that the gloves have come off against Christmas. This year, the TKO has been delivered. A local teacher is doing a huge Christmas production without using the word Christmas. Orders have come down from on high that as a word, Christmas is verbum non gratum.
Why? Because certain people would be offended potentially. And the Potentially Offended, as a class, have many advocates. Too bad that they occupy managerial offices, political offices and school board positions across the land. In their eagerness to make sure that nobody is offended they’ve banned the word Christmas because it has Christ in it and he represents a particular religion.
Uhhh… isn’t Santa Claus short for St. Nicholas, a Christian saint? By the same (idiotic) logic, shouldn’t we ban Santa Claus? I can see it now: asinine lawyers and cowardly politicians throw up their hands in despair. What can we do? We don’t want to get sued?
What can we do? Tell them to shut up, in Christian love. Get a spine and fight the lawsuits. Your communities will back you.
We are told to say “Happy Holidays” instead. Wait… isn’t Holidays short for “holy” days, and won’t that potentially offend the irreligious, the atheists, and the anabaptists who preach that every day is holy? Really, if we’re going to ride the train of this ludicrous logic, let’s ride it all they way to the end. I advocate for the irreligous! Let’s ban “Holiday Greetings” and “Happy Holidays” and any other permutation that even smacks at holiness.
While we’re at it, we must forbid our employees from ever saying Good-bye… a contraction of God Be With Ye. An Anglicized Via Con Dios, if you will. No more Good-bye’s lest those who wish God to not be with them be offended. I need a pinhead–I mean pinstriped–lawyer to bring a class action suit!
As a Christian, I take personal offense against the word “happy.” If you tell me “Happy Holidays,” I’m going to sue. Happy is derived from the Middle English, hap, which means lucky. And I don’t believe in luck. I believe in Providence. I’m offended by luck. In fact, if you tell me “Good Luck,” I’ll sue you too, because you just threw the name of a Norse god at me: Loki, the god of mischief.
Heck, I’ll sue if you toss any false god’s name in my direction. Better not say any day of the week:
- Sunday–the Sun god’s day.
- Monday–the Moon god’s day (Lunedi, in Italian)
- Tuesday–Tiw’s day, the Norse God of War (Martedi–Mars is the Roman god of war, in Italian)
- Wednesday–Woden’s Day (a.k.a. Odin), the King of the Norse gods
- Thursday–Thor’s day, may he hurl his thunderbolts at the advocates for the potentially offended
- Friday–Freya’s day–the wife of Woden.
- Saturday–Saturn’s day, another Roman God
How come I can say the names of all those other gods, but can’t say Christ?
This is not a religious issue. It is a moron vs normal-people issue. Don’t you think? It’s a free-speech issue. Have ever actually met a person who was offended by a cordial Merry Christmas? Aside from over-zealous metrosexuals with an agenda, the total number of Americans who are offended by Merry Christmas is about twelve, and they should be institutionalized. You live in a religious country. The predominant religion is Christian. We’re not trying to shove anything down anybody’s throat. We just want to comment on our Savior without getting in trouble with the “authorities:” our bosses and politicians.
The pool of the potentially offended is minuscule. As are the uhhh–cojones–of those who advocate for them. It is not the offended who tyranize us, it is their self-anointed advocates.
To them, all I can say is: Have a Happy Flippin’ HannuChristmaKwanzaDan.
© Bill Giovannetti. 2003-2007 All Rights Reserved. Including the neologism: HannuChristmaKwwanzaDan. All artwork is copyrighted by their creators.