If we could put a lojack on my cold virus, I suspect it would have come from my kids’ school. From there to my wife and then to me.
If you have not yet viewed the Man-cold video, this would be a good time. Then come back here.
When I lived in Chicago, a cold hit a guy almost all at once. Maybe you started with a stuffy nose, but then your head turned to cement and you just felt lousy. A California cold is different.
It starts a scratchy throat. This morphs into an incessant hacking cough. OTC cough suppressants don’t work against it. This cough is accompanied by little men who invade your throat and stab your tonsils with daggers. This makes you not want to swallow, which, in turn, dries out your tonsils making them into tonsil-jerky. The angers the little men who then stab harder.
All the while, the rest of your body feels fine. No congestion, runny nose, or any of the other stuff connected with a cold. That comes after the initial attack has softened you up. Oh, when I asked my wife if she would pat my head and say, “Poor little bunny,” she gave me the DWER (dreaded wifely eye roll). She’s sick too, but mine’s waaay worse.
After you’ve coughed your throat and chest into kung pao, the next germ wave hits you. Abdominally. The only thing I’ll say here is owww. A midwest cold never hit me abdominally. California cold germs were bred in the weakened immune systems of vegetarians and therefore wreak more havoc on us unsuspecting carnivores.
And my head hurts. Ibuprofen (Advil) stopped working too.
I am now about ten days into my ordeal with no end in sight. This cold is terminal. It’s been a good life, though, and I’m thankful.
One of the most maddening symptoms is the crunchy sound inside my head. When I lay down my sinuses drain. The mucus doesn’t drain out–that would be a blessing. No, it oozes from one sinus cavity to another. This makes a crinkling noise as if someone is crinkling a sheet of paper. Endlessly. Inside my head. It literally keeps me up at night. “Poor little bunny.”
My hacking cough continues. Now, however, the germicidal warfare has kicked it up a notch. While I tossed and turned, the little men shoved a tube of caulk up my nose and filled my entire head with impenetrable goo.
The little men filled my 32 p.s.i.-rated head to 80 p.s.i. Very funny, little men. If you think I’m joking, I’m not. It’s scientific. Here’s a picture of the little men. Click it to see the fascinating details.
See? I told you. Meanwhile, the terminal cough continues. Pray for me. “Poor little bunny.”
At least I have my appetite. Happy New Year. Here’s a picture of the gift I got you.