Reflections on Old Men in Spandex

lancearmstrong72305It shouldn’t happen.

I am sipping early morning Verona at Starbucks, when a 65-ish dude clomps into the store in full bike-riding gear. What is it about being in AARP that makes a guy dress like Lance Armstrong?

So this guy’s skin is weathered, like the lizard-people who populate Florida’s beaches. But it’s weird because he shaved his legs. So picture loose extra lizard-skin chicken legs, flopping above spiked riding shoes that make him walk funny, like he’s wearing in ski-boots with loaded Depends.

But the worst part is his shorts: spandex tights that make the guy look like he’s smuggling grapes.

bkershortsDon’t decency laws cover this? What’s wrong with a T-shirt and gym shorts? Okay, yeah, maybe you need padding down there to protect you from a hard bike seat… so wear the spandex biker shorts, but for decency’s sake, please pull gym shorts over them.

My coffee is cold. Now, it’s time for me to go to church… and to preach on envy.

Hmmm… maybe when I lose a few more pounds, I can get me some of them spandex biker shorts.  What do you think?

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8 thoughts on “Reflections on Old Men in Spandex

  1. What a great idea for our next group staff picture. I have some great ideas who can be in the front row.

  2. I don’t know but 45 year old men with my hubbie’s name look pretty darn great in said spandex shorts!…although, I have to say, I do believe I saw the largest pair of lycra bike shorts the other day and in that case, I agree, sport shorts might have been in order. Discretion..

    • Carrie… you’ve hit the nail on the head. The fact that you can say the shorts look “pretty darn great” on your [former navy seal] husband proves my point, don’t you think? Dudes don’t want to see dudes looking hot. Pull something loose and baggy over the top, and we’re good to go.

  3. I’m54 and wear spandex bike shorts. If you are going to put in many miles you are going to want tight shorts. They don’t catch the wind and they offer muscle support. I know many 65 year guys&gals that will ride us younger guys into the ground.

    • Rich… I can’t argue with you, and I’ve never ridden long or hard enough for wind resistance to be an issue. I admit it. But still, how about some baggy shorts in the backpack to pull on before heading into Starbucks? Is that too much to ask? Swimmers who cross the English Channel cover themselves in lard, but you don’t see them sipping espresso’s all larded up!

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