A Delicate Subject

rocketToday I prepare for a routine medical procedure that all normal humans dread. I don’t know which is worse, today’s preparation or tomorrow’s procedure. Both involve yucccchhh.  And both involve indignities which — if done without signed consent — would send the perp to prison for a very long time.

My son has a toy rocket ship that’s powered by vinegar and baking soda.  You put the vinegar in the bottom, the baking soda in the top, and when you attach the two parts, and tip it just right, look out. You have maybe three seconds to get out of the blast zone or else get spewed upon.

rocket2I will be imitating his rocket ship by tonight.  Please don’t think about me.

But, in the interests of men’s health everywhere, I am chronicling my misery — er, uh, journey.

I’m depressed that I don’t get to eat anything today except clear liquids, broth, and jello.  What the…?!?  How can anything clear be considered food?  What planet is this? Today  our church staff’s has a rib cookoff.  Waaaaaahhhhh.  Waaaah.  Sniff.  Sniff.  I’ll be the doofus slurping gelatin — except it can’t be red.

But I’m not bitter.  Because tomorrow I get to show up at 6:30 a.m. and wear a hospital gown.  Yessir.  I — an exalted servant of the King of kings — will be… oh, forget it. Martin Luther referred to his body as “Brother Ass.”  That, right now, seems so appropriate on so many levels.

I’m a big boy.  I can handle it.  Just pray for a clean bill of health. And pray that today’s ribs look burnt.  Thanks.

Here is the Bible verse I’m clinging to for today and tomorrow:

“Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass, and returned to the city.” Genesis 44:13, KJV.

hose

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15 thoughts on “A Delicate Subject

  1. Sorry for your pain, but you made me laugh so hard I got teared up. Hope it all comes out ok.

  2. Bill…..you make me laugh….and about such an important procedure….yet laughter is all we have when going through such steps to insure our health…I could sneak into the kitchen at the church this morning and sabotage the ribs for you if that would make you feel better….no would suspect a thing. The scary thing is that everyone trusts me….lol.

  3. Bill,
    You said, “I don’t know which is worse, today’s preparation or tomorrow’s procedure.”

    That’s an easy one. Today’s prep is much worse. Tomorrow, you’re Margi’s drugged-addled problem.

    Bob

  4. What will be will be. However, I hope that when you come through it with flying colors, you will post a motivational encouragement for other young men your age to get this taken care of! My husband, for one, wants to put this off indefinitely…

  5. We’re praying you’ll be faithful in your “prep”….nothing worse than having to repeat it 🙂 Flip said it’s best to tip the anesthesiologist….thankfully they get paid by the case and not the hour 🙂

    Hang in there!!!

  6. Right about now, 8:30 (PDT) you should be thinking, “I must be empty, because that’s exactly what it looked like when I drank it.” Or not. I hope you got to take the pills instead of the seemingly endless supply of foul-tasting liquid. As a veteran of two and a half (don’t ask) such procedures, you’ll make it. I just pray that two weeks from now you don’t read in the paper that such clinics were raided by the health department for using unsanitary equipment. You think you have a sick feeling now?

    Anyway, if you haven’t read it, this is required reading:
    http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/dave-barry/story/427603.html

    “Digesting food you haven’t even eaten yet.” That is clASSic.

  7. So, the next time you get up to preach everybody’s going to be thinking about…

    Anyway, starting tomorrow, may you be a probe in the colonoscopy of life, finding polyps of sin, subjecting them to the forceps of grace and forgiveness, before they become the tumors of guilt and spiritual despair.

  8. Results:
    1 snip.
    Otherwise, squeaky Clean.
    Thanks, God.
    Thanks, you, for praying.
    P.S. When it’s your turn, I hope to show you exactly the same grace you showed me. hahahahahahaha

  9. Bob,
    Thanks for the compliment. Seriously, though, if your brother, your twin brother, had a snip, then you better make an appointment if you haven’t already taken your turn. This is the one health concern I can get obnoxious about.
    If you’re okay, Bob, then anyone else reading this who hasn’t but should, do it. Read that article at the link I inserted (sorry) above. It’s funny but gets the point across. Thanks for letting me share, Bill.

  10. I feel your pain I had the same procedure done the monday after you did…I was saying the exact same things you were….I will probably never eat jello again!

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